Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
