Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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