Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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