so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
