i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
