Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
