He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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