I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
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i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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