It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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