If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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