i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
