Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
