she woke up with a sticky ear
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
