Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
