In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
