Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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