the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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