New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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