I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
