I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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