Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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