My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
