we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
