Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
