I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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