Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
