Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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