I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
