it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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