just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
