I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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