The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
