people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
