it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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