i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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