I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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