I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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