the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
