whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
