Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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