I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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