Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
