Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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