I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
