last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
