sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
