Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
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I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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