what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
