I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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