So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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