I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
as a side note pls kill me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
