I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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