she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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