why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
