I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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