im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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