If i come over, it means nothing
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
